I hate to disagree with Will Shakespeare but, for me, a rose NEEDS to be called a rose to smell sweet. Bladderwort just wouldn’t do it. When I was young, we used to find Yarrow, a pretty hedgerow flower and pick bouquets. It was called ‘old man’s baccy’ in our neck of the woods and our mother wouldn’t have it in the house. There might have been room for a vase of yarrow.

The gift of a bunch of piss-the- beds, which were meant to have a diuretic effect, didn’t get over the threshold either.  Dandelion,from the French ‘dent de lion’ meaning lion’s tooth, sounds much more attractive and refers to the jagged leaves of the plant. However, the French do also use the name ‘pissenlit’ because of its diuretic effects.

I rest my case; plant names are important and I want roses, with their lovely name, for a sweet smelling gift.

But what about kids? Surely our offsprings’ names are much more important to us?  Nowadays parents are playing about with them almost recklessly. There should be ground rules don’t you think?

Of her own name, Peaches Geldof said:
“Mine has haunted me all of my life, and will continue to do so. I am named, as you may have noticed, after a fruit. I’m not Jane or Sarah or Samantha: I am Peaches. This doesn’t make sense to me at all. (My dad told me it was because he and my mum were on a Tennessee Williams trip at the time.) Then again, I was going to be called Angel Delight at one point, so I suppose I can count myself lucky.”

I’ve got one or two personal no-no-please-nos when it comes to names. Shoot me down if you disagree!

• No fruit – Apples, Mango or Melons won’t do.

• No telesco pic names from the parents -Chrisbert, Tomelia or Gilliam don’t hold up.

• Nothing reminiscent of hard materials unless they’re jewels – Woody, Pebbles, Sandy , Clint, Cliff aren’t good but Emerald, Amber and Pearl are fine.

• Nothing with an X – they never sound like that anyway.

• Nothing Irish or Welsh unless you ARE Irish or welsh. Try pronouncing Siobhan , Niamh, Sinead , Tegid, Iolo or Myfanwy or spelling them correctly.

• No places with conception connotations – Paris, Valetta,Toyota, Africa, Whitley Bay.

• No baby names like Dolly, Angel, Princess –  these are names that will not last until school age. Don’t inflict them on children – keep them for small cuddly beings . Here is Angel my cat who will remain angelic and cuddly so fits this name perfectly.

The trouble is that people rarely admit that they dont like a name. I have a set baby name responses. Otis? -interesting! Xanadu how cute! Chicago? Great town to be named after!We must consider that Chintzia, Muconium, Millennia, Zirconia and Sambucca may lose their sparkle but a Rose or a Jasmine will always be sweet!

I’m all for keeping creativity for my character’s monikers in novels. They are fully grown and can live up to their name. The main protagonist in my current writing is Cleo – I know she is wilful , beautiful, a tad selfish, and has the strong features and glossy dark hair of a Cleopatra. This is a name for a grown up and only the brave would dare choose it for a 7 lb baby girl.

I’ve listed groundrules, but always believed that rules are meant to be broken and let me be the first to say that my family’s most recent generation has a fine variety of rule-breaking names that work absolutely beautifully.
Xenia -perfect for a delightful girl.
Arlie – unusual and just fitting for a handsome boy.
We are waiting to discover what the brother or sister of Jas ( Jasmine ) and Missy (Marissa) will be called. Read this column next September.